You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
