Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
