so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
