It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
