Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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