I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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