my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
