DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I can't put those talents on a resume
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
