so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
