The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
