I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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