yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
