she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
