You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The best revenge is premature balding
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
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