got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
