I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
