Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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