i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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