forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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