just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Even my vagina gasped.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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