Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
