did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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