i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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