I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
