I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
