took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
