I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
