his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
