upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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