Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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