Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Less talking, more tequila
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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