and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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