if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
