hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
