the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
His nipple licking is glorious
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