I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
