I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
