k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
