My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You left your phone here
Wait...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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