everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
