Barsexuality is the new black.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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