shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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