Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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