His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
