Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
