I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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