I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
