Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
