Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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