is wine microwaveable?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
