Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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