Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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