You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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