i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
